i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
