I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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