i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
