just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
