I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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