My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My vagina just clenched in fear
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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