my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
