Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
