I'm so fucking centered right now
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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