This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
