What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
