My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
