This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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