Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
