i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
