So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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