So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
as a side note pls kill me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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