my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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