He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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