Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
