I can tuck mytits in my pants
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
