I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Randomize
