Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
