i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
