Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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