The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
