You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
