I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
