BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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