How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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