drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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