He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize