Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
