Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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