paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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