Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
