if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
