i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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