i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
