you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
