I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Shame is for Republicans.
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