i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
