i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just had sex on a roof
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
