Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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