a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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