I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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