i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
