ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
