my soul wont recognize me after tonight
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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