I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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