So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
