I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
