i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
