Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
