i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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